i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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