I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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