Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
