Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
