I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This toilet bowl is my home.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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