I need to stop coming to work sober
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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