Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
