I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
