The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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