So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
