i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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