she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
