sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
