question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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