Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am one with the molecules
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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