My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
