On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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