I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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