How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
