Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
