You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
