I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
