drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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