I faked an abortion last night.
I wish I only lived at night.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize