What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
