so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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