i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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