Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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