I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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