Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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