$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
