Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
