I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
