Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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