Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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