Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
