I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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