I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
