I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
