Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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