I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
