They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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