i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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