There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
