Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
