turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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