whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
