If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
