I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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