You just made me feel so damn special
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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