i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
